Fearing Peace

Just a quick note here. I know it's been quite some time, but I think it's time to for this post.

First thing is first. I know I have faults, I get that, I do! Just know you have faults too!

I don't know if any of you know this about me, I have a fear. This is my one and only fear! I have a fear of dieing alone. I want this reassurance from someone that can tell me, they will be right by my side when it's my time to go. I don't what brought this about, but it is something I have put a ton of thought into. Maybe some of you who know me on a more personal level, know that I don't like to be alone. For some strange reason, I don't like to go places without someone going with me. Does it hinder me at times? Of course! But, that isn't going to change who I am. It really kind of makes me mad really though, you know the whole needing someone there with me. I don't know why? I have flown on an airplane by myself, but yet when it comes to going shopping, I need someone there with me!

That is one thing, I think, that really is different about me. I feel a need to have someone there. for the whole dieing alone thing, I really hope I get over that one day, because it wouldn't be me to put myself before other people. I would rather die alone so no one grieves over me. Honestly, it's who I am.

Anyone ever wish they could just tell someone their BIG secret, not just who you have a crush on, but your BIG secret? For me personally, I wish that everyday! And no, I'm not gay!

I have recently found out there are few things that put me at complete peace...

1) Thunderstorms- I could sit through thunderstorms everyday and be perfectly fine for the rest of my life. There is something about the sound of the rain mixed with the brightness of lightning and the booms of thunder that really just takes all the thoughts out of my mind. I love it! I would choose a night listening to thunderstorms over a night of going out.

2) Stars- I love looking at the stars. I really don't know why I, or anyone else enjoys that? But, my guess, at least on my part, is the curiosity of the unknown. For me, it's like a child's dream of going up there and exploring, although I really have no aspirations of going into space. Regardless, it's been a long time since I have actually laid down and taken the time to look up at the stars, and that is something I would definitely like to look into in the near future!

3) Lightning Bugs- Seriously, Lightning Bugs? Yes, LIGHTNING BUGS! I drove by this big open field last week and I thought it was one of the coolest things I had seen in a long time. What was it? A bunch of Lightning Bugs flying around and lighting up! It was awesome, until the Thunderstorm came the next day. The power went out in the house so my brother and I were completely bored. The cool part? Lightning Bugs. I looked out the window as the rain had started to die down. I looked into the trees from across the street. Lightning Bugs were hiding in the trees and lighting up. Imagine it being pitch black and see these little specks of flashing light. And I thought that was cool? Yes, until I looked in my backyard. My backyard is basically surrounded by trees. The backyard seemed to be even darker, and the Lightning Bugs were more sufficient. There were so many of those things hiding in the trees lighting up in the pitch black. It might have been the coolest thing I have EVER seen!

4) Baseball Games- At this point in my life, I have decided that going to a Cincinnati Reds game is almost as soothing as it gets. You get great food, a good amount of excitedness, as well as the relaxed time you have been seeking recently. For me, I have decided I could possibly spend every one of my last days on Earth being in a baseball stadium. There is just some type of aura about the baseball stadium that I tend to fall in love with. Don't ask why, but it is something I could do for the rest of my life. Do you think I'll be buying season tickets to the Reds when I am retired? If I am even remotely close to Cincinnati, the answer is a definite yes!

The one thing that really bothers me... how the love I have for sports hasn't carried over to a possible love I have for a girl. I know the whole shindig, there is someone for everyone. Honestly, it gets old. And, now we're back to the whole being alone thing again....